Frustration of circumstance. I find it difficult to sit with emotions. Actually, that’s a lie. I find myself unable to allow myself to be frustrated at the state of my life. On the one hand, I understand that my perception of this sentience and the world is limited to my own experience, and drowning under one foot of water vs a hundred feet of water is still drowning, and that the only way beyond is through, and that no justice is done in minimizing my own pain. But I just find fully ingratiating these realities into my subconscious to be..well..so.. difficult.

How can I, in good conscience, allow myself such a privilege as to wallow in my grievances? To take stock of the downsides in my (by most degrees) cushy life and wager complaints? I know what you’re saying. I know. Literally, shut up. I hear you loud and clear: disallowing yourself the ability to feel and accept the shittiness of your human condition does not help, nor do any of my justifications for this pitiful self-invalidation.

I make mental checklists. These lists account myriad sufferings of others who were dealt a far worse hand than I, those who live(d) in abject poverty, experience(d) heinous acts of violence in the name of domination, genocide, being orphaned at a young age, living in a region with greater tumult and lesser privilege, not being able-bodied, etc, etc, etc (ad nauseum). Is full acceptance of myself so unrealistic, so far out of reach?

I know where this comes from. Reiterated assertions of my own lack of worth throughout adolescence, my surroundings being comprised of incessant commanding narcissistic personalities, and my own annoyed disillusionment with the tremendous lack of empathy I notice within human communities (and individuals). But STILL. I could list a thousand reasons in favor of self-acceptance, yet it hasn’t sunk in.

I guess everything takes time. I’ve been doing mindfulness meditation, healthy lifestyle, boundary setting for a while. Each within timelines of varying fits and starts. I understand the rewiring of my neural pathways takes time, especially after a lifetime of being wired in the opposite direction. Neural pathways don’t care how insightful you are. They care about repetition, practice, and patience. Alas, I am mindfully aware that the frustration seeps in deeper at night time. And yet, dually aware that everything is better after sleep and a snack.

Well, almost everything.